Lately I have been feeling rather, well, worthless. You see, something happened last year when I started fostering and got more involved with rescues and shelters: I began to feel like there really was a point to my life. Up until then, I had been so busy working multiple jobs to put myself through school, that I never really pondered the whole “Why am I here?” question. I was just focused on the immediate goals before me.
I have always operated at turbo speed. Working multiple jobs and going to school, then working and tackling the rescue and fostering world at full blast. After the move, before I started my new job, I had some free time but I was consumed with home projects which kept me busy. Then I started working, another way to keep busy. I haven’t mentioned this but about a week into what I thought would be a wonderful job that would help me one day fulfill a dream, I realized I actually hated it and decided not to waste my time or the owners, and I quit. I stayed there until he found a replacement which didn’t take too long, so for the past roughly three weeks, I’ve been back to being jobless. And I’m going insane.
I don’t know what to do with idle time. It’s always been a foreign concept to me. I lived my life in overdrive which in turn kept my mind constantly busy. Now that all I do is sit around the house all day, I’ve been feeling completely worthless. I have always done random volunteering here and there. And one of my earliest memories is of describing to my parents, in great detail, how if I won the lottery I would buy a huge piece of land to house homeless pets and also have a veterinarian on staff to offer free spaying and neutering. Seriously, I was a freak of a little child–you wouldn’t believe how incredibly detailed the plan actually was. Anyways, my point here is, I have always had it in me to help others, especially animals, but it wasn’t until recently that I actually began to feel like this is why I am here. It’s what makes my life worth something.
I have been spending my days split between job hunting and researching grants to apply for on behalf of Last Hope Rescue. It makes me feel like I’m at least doing a little something “good” with my time. I don’t want to take on a new foster until I know if/when I will be starting a new job and how demanding it will be. I have contacted a local rescue that I really like but they didn’t really have a need for me (outside of taking pictures for them, which I will be doing this weekend)…until today. Today they told me they were in urgent need of help! It was like the Heaven’s had opened up and I could hear the angels rejoicing. I was going to get my hands dirty and do something! Little did I know, I was going to get the dirty in the most literal sense.
In the midst of using my hands to scoop donated dog food into a trash bag for transportation, with sweat rolling down my face, it hit me: I am happiest when I am physically doing something good. Getting my hands dirty, both literally and figuratively. Of course things like grants are important, and super necessary to actually get to the root of the problem, but I’m a dirty hands girl, through and through. It’s what I love and today reminded me of that with stunning clarity. This is how I feel the most valuable.
What makes you feel the most valuable? Is it getting your hands dirty, too? Or parenting your children? Or cooking an excellent dinner? Do you believe that there is a reason you are here on Earth?